What are you comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable? I think this is an important subject to delve into deeply. So many times we find ourselves in situations, whether intimate relationships, family or friend relationships or even work relationships, that just make us feel uneasy. A lot of times I don’t think we really understand why that makes us feel uncomfortable. How many times have you said to yourself or someone else “there’s something about that person that I don’t like; I don’t know what it is,”?
When we first meet someone who may have a potential for an intimate relationship, we spend some time talking and getting a “feel” for that person. It usually starts out with general conversation – talking about general interests, what he/she does for work, on personal time, family, etc.. You may even be at an event or a place that you both had an interest in and is what brought you to this conversation in the first place. That situation may in itself be something in common but also be mistaken for a “sign” that you two are meant to be together.
As time goes on and we have future “dates”, we continue to see that we have some common ground to keep us moving to explore more. We continue to get more and more comfortable with each other. We have great conversations and learn more about our likes and dislikes.
I am a Christian, who came back to my faith later in life. My spirituality and my relationship with God is very important to me. It’s not something that I am willing to compromise. I have a life of peace and harmony. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always smooth sailing. I have a very demanding and sometimes stressful job. I have relationships at work that require a lot of work, and things don’t always go right. I have challenges in life and at work just like most of us. It isn’t always a blissful experience. As a matter of fact, it seldom is. But what I do have, for the most part, is a sense of peace and quiet when I get home. I’ve worked hard at creating that environment..
I had an epiphany reading a book called “Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – a book that I read after I had yet another dating experience that did not work out the way I thought it would. I blamed my change of heart on gut instinct and left it at that. There are times when I can’t put into words, why I change or just come to a conclusion of how I feel about someone. It’s like there is just something that’s just not right. It looks, on the surface anyways, that someone should be just right; the same interests, the same spiritual journey, the same values, etc. I even have conversations with myself, like – “why wouldn’t you want someone like this”; or “he should be perfect for you”. But as time goes on and when I start digging into what makes him tick, I get this overwhelming uneasy sense that something’s just not right. I almost feel like I’m being controlled, and being strongly independent, that just doesn’t sit well with me. And I think it was being controlled to some degree – controlled in a sense that my time and my energy is being demanded upon. But more than that, I realized that everyone needs to take responsibility for their own growth and development. One thing that I have been extremely good at pretty much all my life! I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. What I saw was someone depending on me for his growth in areas that he is weak in – spirituality, health and well-being, financial, neediness, loneliness. I don’t feel that I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know that I am independent by the true sense of the word. And what makes me feel uncomfortable and I guess where I draw the boundary is when I feel like I am being put in a “teacher” role in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about helping people develop, discover their strengths, and coach them toward a peaceful and rewarding life from a life coach perspective - just not in a romantic relationship. That’s not my role.
We’ve all heard that old cliché “Opposites Attract”. And I believe that is so. After all, I don’t want to live with another me. One of me is enough! I think it is important to find someone who shares the same values as me, but also has differences that I would ultimately respect and admire about him. And although some may be things that I need to grow in, that’s up to me to work that out. Not for me to throw that on to someone to take control of. Opposites can be a good thing!
As Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend explain in their book, some people are attracted to others who have the strengths they are weak in. And although growth is desired in those areas, “dating is not a good arena to do that in. Though your date may be a good supportive example, he (she) is still a date, not a mentor, teacher or counselor to you.”
They go on to say “Reserve your dating life for people actively involved in the growth process. Those who are taking ownership of their deficits are less likely to develop dependencies on the strengths of others. And be in the growth process yourself. Growth attracts growth. You will find yourself more drawn to others for healthy reasons, and less attracted to others because of what you don’t possess.”
Well said! A great learning for me!
I highly recommend the book “Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. As a matter of fact they have written another book, similar to this called “Boundaries” – when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. I’m going to read this book next. Boundaries are important to recognize in all aspects of our lives; not just in romantic relationships.
When we first meet someone who may have a potential for an intimate relationship, we spend some time talking and getting a “feel” for that person. It usually starts out with general conversation – talking about general interests, what he/she does for work, on personal time, family, etc.. You may even be at an event or a place that you both had an interest in and is what brought you to this conversation in the first place. That situation may in itself be something in common but also be mistaken for a “sign” that you two are meant to be together.
As time goes on and we have future “dates”, we continue to see that we have some common ground to keep us moving to explore more. We continue to get more and more comfortable with each other. We have great conversations and learn more about our likes and dislikes.
I am a Christian, who came back to my faith later in life. My spirituality and my relationship with God is very important to me. It’s not something that I am willing to compromise. I have a life of peace and harmony. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always smooth sailing. I have a very demanding and sometimes stressful job. I have relationships at work that require a lot of work, and things don’t always go right. I have challenges in life and at work just like most of us. It isn’t always a blissful experience. As a matter of fact, it seldom is. But what I do have, for the most part, is a sense of peace and quiet when I get home. I’ve worked hard at creating that environment..
I had an epiphany reading a book called “Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – a book that I read after I had yet another dating experience that did not work out the way I thought it would. I blamed my change of heart on gut instinct and left it at that. There are times when I can’t put into words, why I change or just come to a conclusion of how I feel about someone. It’s like there is just something that’s just not right. It looks, on the surface anyways, that someone should be just right; the same interests, the same spiritual journey, the same values, etc. I even have conversations with myself, like – “why wouldn’t you want someone like this”; or “he should be perfect for you”. But as time goes on and when I start digging into what makes him tick, I get this overwhelming uneasy sense that something’s just not right. I almost feel like I’m being controlled, and being strongly independent, that just doesn’t sit well with me. And I think it was being controlled to some degree – controlled in a sense that my time and my energy is being demanded upon. But more than that, I realized that everyone needs to take responsibility for their own growth and development. One thing that I have been extremely good at pretty much all my life! I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. What I saw was someone depending on me for his growth in areas that he is weak in – spirituality, health and well-being, financial, neediness, loneliness. I don’t feel that I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know that I am independent by the true sense of the word. And what makes me feel uncomfortable and I guess where I draw the boundary is when I feel like I am being put in a “teacher” role in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about helping people develop, discover their strengths, and coach them toward a peaceful and rewarding life from a life coach perspective - just not in a romantic relationship. That’s not my role.
We’ve all heard that old cliché “Opposites Attract”. And I believe that is so. After all, I don’t want to live with another me. One of me is enough! I think it is important to find someone who shares the same values as me, but also has differences that I would ultimately respect and admire about him. And although some may be things that I need to grow in, that’s up to me to work that out. Not for me to throw that on to someone to take control of. Opposites can be a good thing!
As Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend explain in their book, some people are attracted to others who have the strengths they are weak in. And although growth is desired in those areas, “dating is not a good arena to do that in. Though your date may be a good supportive example, he (she) is still a date, not a mentor, teacher or counselor to you.”
They go on to say “Reserve your dating life for people actively involved in the growth process. Those who are taking ownership of their deficits are less likely to develop dependencies on the strengths of others. And be in the growth process yourself. Growth attracts growth. You will find yourself more drawn to others for healthy reasons, and less attracted to others because of what you don’t possess.”
Well said! A great learning for me!
I highly recommend the book “Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. As a matter of fact they have written another book, similar to this called “Boundaries” – when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. I’m going to read this book next. Boundaries are important to recognize in all aspects of our lives; not just in romantic relationships.